Couples Infertility Support Guidebook Excerpt
Part One – Our Journey
Our Plan
Ann Marie and I never knew our family had begun before we’d met. We wouldn’t discover that for many years.
If you’d asked us then, we would have said our journey began after meeting in 2004, and continued when we married seven months later in 2005. In those early days, when people would ask where we met, our answer drew raised eyebrows. “On the internet,” we’d respond. “Really? On the internet?” they’d say. It was a new era for meeting and dating, and not many knew actual couples who’d met and married through this digital matchmaker. Our response prompted curiosity and questions, and we gladly shared our story.
I’d been serving in the military many years at that point, a major in the Air Force, and soon after marriage, we found ourselves moving overseas, off to serve at the U.S. Embassy in
Israel. I took Ann Marie from her home, language, and culture, and planted us in the Middle East. A war promptly greeted us when we arrived in 2006, what became known as the Second Lebanon War. That began an intensely busy 4-year assignment for both of us, but we loved being newlyweds and cherished the adventure of living overseas.
Both in our 30s, we planned to wait for two years before having kids, then we’d begin the process of having kids of our own. Once we’d done that, our plan was to adopt and add other children needing a home. We got started a little earlier than planned, and after six months, no children came. At this point, we went to a specialist since we were in “advanced years” (35 for Ann Marie, and 37 for me at this point – whereas younger couples would have to wait a full year).
Israel has some of the best infertility specialists in the world, and we soon found out we both had issues. I had “poor morphology,” and she had endometriosis. It wasn’t impossible to have kids, but we’d need help.
The Infertility Promised Land
Certain the desire for children had come from God, we prayed about it. We pleaded to grant us those children. We talked with our Israeli specialist, hopeful he could guide us to the promised land. And we cried, seeing friends and family around us getting pregnant with ease, oblivious to our own struggle.
The doctor offered choices, and Ann Marie and I knew we needed to go through these prayerfully and informed. We read books and articles about these options, about life, about decisions we would need to make. To us, this wasn’t about statistical choices; it was about growing our family as God wanted.
We chose IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), placing my poor swimmers closer to their destination. We tried. And tried. And tried. And…tried.
No children.
The cycle of hope, and attempt, and failure never abated the pain, no matter how many times we tried. And God never removed the desire. Which left us hurting and confused. Why give us the desire, without giving us the answer to our desire, without giving us children?
We studied more, prayed more, and sought more counsel. The specialist cited additional statistics, offered further options, and we chose IVF (in vitro fertilization) extracting my poor swimmers and her eggs, and uniting them in a holy petri dish union.
We proceeded with IVF very deliberately. We knew this could result in an over-abundance of embryos, and we knew we would never destroy or dispose of them. We would be responsible for each life we created. We talked with our doctor and asked, could they only extract two or three eggs, to fertilize only a few and to transfer them all. The doctor indicated he could do this.
We trusted God had a plan. We prayed about this, and we specifically asked God that if this was not what he wanted from us, no eggs would be fertilized.
Not a single egg was fertilized. Actually, he answered bigger than that – not a single egg was produced. The wild concoction of hormone medicines created a false menopause in Ann Marie, and the cycle had to be cancelled. The doctor told us he’d never seen such a thing before, that it was a fluke, and that we could try again.
Even knowing this was an answer to prayer, we found ourselves listening to the doctor, and we tried one more cycle. Like Gideon with the fleece asking for a second answer, we prayed again the same prayer – that no eggs would be fertilized. And we added an additional request of
God. We asked him to remove Ann Marie’s deep desire to be pregnant if this was not his plan for our family.
I was away, escorting some high-ranking military delegation visiting the Holy Land, when Ann Marie sat with the specialist for a routine blood checkup. The doctor looked for me, and said, “Is your husband with you?” She said no and asked, “Is it not good?”
He responded, “I don’t know how this is happening, but the medicines are creating a false menopause. I’ve never seen this before. There won’t be any follicles.” He confirmed this through an ultrasound. And then he told Ann Marie, we were not going to conceive our own child.
Ann Marie prayed right then, and the Holy Spirit instantly filled her with peace. Complete calm. A peace that passes understanding. A peace that comes not from your circumstances, but despite them. And God gave his answer instantly. Embryo adoption. We were to embryo adopt. Sitting in front of the doctor with his pronouncement, Ann Marie suddenly felt joy.
The doctor encouraged sperm or egg donation as our best statistical option. When Ann Marie told him about embryo adoption, he responded, “Why would you want to use embryos of two people who had trouble getting pregnant?” He wasn’t unkind, just uninformed about embryo adoption.
The Adoption Road
We paired with Nightlight Christian Adoptions and got started. God had to resolve many details first – how to get criminal background checks, how to get financial background checks, how to get a certified social worker to do a home study – all while stationed abroad. He answered all the challenges very quickly, one after another, revealing every day this was indeed his plan for us.
The incredible team at Nightlight placed our profile, and it didn’t take long for a family to select us to adopt their embryos. At this point, we’d been stationed back in the U.S., and the incredible infertility specialists at Fort Bragg, North Carolina helped us with shots and tests. With this first family’s little ones, only one of four embryos survived the thaw, which the doctor transferred. We waited, praying this precious one would implant.
Ten days after the transfer, the clinic did a blood test. The nurse called and said, “I’m so sorry, Ann Marie.”
How long? How long would God withhold providing. Again, we wondered, if God had produced the desire, why didn’t he produce the result? How long would it take to be matched again, for some new family to select us?
It turned out, not long. Less than a month later, a family in Georgia selected us, and we now had adopted all their embryos. All twenty of them! Yes, twenty.
I had to deploy to Iraq, a deployment for a special operations unit. I sat on the other side of the planet as Ann Marie took her meds and went through her preparation.
The day came. The doctor thawed the first two. They survived. He transferred those two.
I came home from deployment, flying into the Raleigh airport, with Ann Marie greeting me behind security. She was as beautiful to me then, coming home from conflict, as the day I met her, as the day I married her. She was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen.
After lunch, I said, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t take a test?” She smiled in response.
“You took a test?” I asked, and she nodded. Then she got the test out of the trash.
I stared. The second line stared back. Positive.
The blood test came back. Positive.
Thirty-nine weeks later, our twin boys were born on Mother’s Day. John Jackson Yocum (who goes by Jackson) and Cade Alan Yocum (who goes by Cade).
God’s Plan
I said at the beginning our family had begun before Ann Marie and I had met. When we did the math, looking at how long they’d been frozen (eight years) and the time in the womb, we discovered our twins were created before we knew each other.
Our family had started before we’d met. God orchestrated our entire family. He led me to Ann Marie through a website. He led us through our infertility. He led us to Nightlight Christian Adoptions. He led this Georgia family to choose us. And he led these little ones into our care.
Our “Plan A” – to have our own kids first – followed by “Plan B” – to adopt kids after, was never his plan at all. From before we knew each other, God intended Ann Marie and I to meet, marry, and to be the parents to these two amazing boys. His plan was perfect all along.
And the others, the remaining eighteen embryos we’d adopted, given into our care? We were committed to every one of them and bringing them into our family. Each workup for a transfer had all the right conditions for a successful transfer and pregnancy, including hormone levels, endometrial lining, and bloodwork. For almost a decade we tried. Some did not survive the thaw. Some did survive, but failed to implant after the transfer. And one young one survived but died early in the second trimester during the pregnancy.
We recognized that God was using us as the vessel to bring these little ones home to be with him. And we await the day we can greet them all.
Our two boys know their story. They know they were preserved all those years, given into our care, and now serve some larger purpose God has for them. They know their very lives are a testament to the gift of life and those committed to it. And we are all anxious to know his plan for them.
A Guide
This was our journey. And it was not easy. Attempt after attempt, loss after loss, year after year. And still, God is good.
We faced questions, and challenges, and needles (lots of needles). We faced hopes, and doubts, and pain. And still, God is good.
You may be just starting your journey. Or you may be well along the path. Ann Marie and I learned a great many things along the way, considerations most doctors never provide. As you travel this path, you will have to navigate advice, counsel, articles, podcasts, friends, relatives, and doctors. As believers in Christ, you must go through this in prayer, guided by the Bible and the Holy Spirit.
We offer in this guide things to consider as you take your steps. It is not comprehensive. It is not prescriptive. It is, rather, what we learned in our journey that we hope will help in yours.
We are with you. God is for you. We pray for you, weep for you, and cheer for you. Open yourself to his plan, and wait to see what he has in store for you and the future of your family. And remember – God is good.